The Good Goodbye

Fear is not a good friend. I dream of doing so many things, and I can say it is lack of time that holds me back but, honestly, it is fear more than anything that keeps me from my dreams. I dream of writing three or four blog articles a week, but while I am busy and the travel we love keeps me in a perpetual game of catch up, I know that if I really wanted to – if I was really brave enough to write more of my heart - I would be writing three or four times a week.

The past three years have seen me let go of a lot of fear. God has healed me in ways I hadn’t seen coming. And while I still hold on to some fear, I live braver today than I have in all my life. I am so grateful. Grateful that while my son is a member of the U.S. Army, I don't lie awake at night afraid of what his future holds. Fear does not grip me and that is a flat out miracle. I am grateful that when it came time to let my daughter go away to college, I was not gripped by fear. Fear that she would be lonely or scared or someone would hurt her, and I wouldn’t be there to make it right (that's what mom's do, right!). I walked that road when my son went away to college, and it wasn't good. Most of the time my imagination is a bigger enemy to me than anything real. I sabotage my own peace of mind. I am grateful for the healing of my mind, especially a healing that results from a reining in of my overactive imagination.

This has been a year of living bravely. A year of learning and growing. A year of new friends from distant countries. A year of navigating social services on behalf of refugees. A year of meetings with social workers and aid workers and doctors and planning a funeral, assisting in a birth, and meeting with caseworkers and school counselors and midnight emergency room visits. A year of saying goodbye to my son again and to my daughter for the first time. All because in January I told God I would like to live bravely.

Today I’m looking for a home for my friend who has been approved for permanent housing through the City of Boise’s housing program for the poor. We’ve been looking since August without success. It’s not easy finding a landlord who will rent to the poor. This is frustrating and could be scary, but I know God has a home for my friend and her children. A good home. A home where they will know joy and security.

And I am not afraid.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of sound mind."
1 Timothy 1:7