I Will Remember

I have decided life is a continuous ebb and flow of hellos and goodbyes. In November we delighted in welcoming home our son after five months of military service. December brought a full house as we welcomed home our daughter from her first semester at college.

I have loved the increased chaos and messiness and negotiations over what’s for dinner and who gets control of the remote. But then just as I settled into having my children home, they left again. Rebecca off to Costa Rica for three weeks of study and Caleb off to begin a graduate program in Portland. A few weeks ago I asked Caleb to start being really unpleasant so I would miss him less when he leaves (he didn’t comply). I didn’t ask this of my daughter because I fear the shock of unpleasantness coming from my sweet girl would be too great.

So it is in the midst of these hellos and goodbyes that I have chosen as my 2014 word, “remember.” I joked last week that I was going to choose a more restful word this year, since my 2013 word “brave” nearly did me in. I’m tired, people. The word remember started floating around my mind a couple of weeks ago and it’s what I need for 2014.

I want to remember that through all the scary changes and fears we live with daily, God is here. His love is constant. He never stops caring for me, and when I hurt, he hurts. I want to remember that in 2013 when I walked with loved ones through homeless shelters and death and birth and new homes, and leaving home for the first time, and an empty nest that God walked with us. Always.

I want to remember we are all important to God. We are all beloved. We all matter. I want to remember this and see every person through God’s eyes - equally lovable.

And in all of this, I want to remember Rebecca’s hand in mine as we watch TV, the amazing sound of Caleb’s laughter, and how it feels to be wrapped in my husband’s safe embrace. Because life continues to bring more joy than pain, and that is something I want always to remember.

Five Minute Friday: Flying First Class

On Fridays I (sometimes) link up with Lisa-Jo Baker for a writing flash mob. I write for five minutes on the topic Lisa-Jo has chosen. Today's writing prompt is fly.

Sometimes you have to let go of some baggage before you can learn to fly, and for me that was a long journey. My fears were many and often revolved around being away from my children. I used them as my security blanket. I was excited to travel the world with my sweet husband, but only as long as our children were along as my insurance. I know. This is some weird (il)logic, but there it is.

The funny thing is that last month I was on ten planes in fourteen days and never was it with my children. They are, after all, living lives of their own now at ages 24 and 19.

Learning to fly looks different for all of us. My fears are not your fears and your fears are not mine. My fears controlled me to an extreme that kept me from leaving home alone. My leap into flight didn’t come overnight. It was a gradual climb, occurring only after crash landing in a pit of anxiety and depression. My leap included years of study and prayer with God, a kind therapist, a vigilant and loving husband and children who never judged me for my weaknesses.

If you’re still tied to the ground, my heart is tender for you. I have felt your pain. Your path to flight will not look like mine, but it is there. Let go of what holds you down. Let go and fly, because on this flight we all fly First Class.

But I Know He Loves Me

We get ourselves in trouble when we think we have all the answers. And since I am not a fan of trouble, I'm just going to confess right now that I don't have many answers.

I spend a lot of time with God in study, in prayer, in nature, in listening. Yet I recognize so much about God is bigger than my mind can grasp. I don't know all things. In fact, I don't know most things, but I get what God means when he says to love. Love Him. Love you. Love myself. This I understand. So in every decision of every day, I want to choose love. I may not be able to interpret the book of Revelation or explain exactly what Paul meant in all of his writings (I'm thinking more punctuation could have helped there), but I understand well enough that I can never go wrong when I choose to love.

I have come to understand that my loving well can only come when I rest in God's love for me. Until I grab hold of God's love for me, I won't be able to share it, because it won't be in me.

God loves.  He asks me to do the same. Love him.  Love you.  Love myself. I don't always do it well but I want to.

Of these things I am sure:  God, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, is creator of all things, me included.  God's power and promises are believable. On my own I am a mess, sinful and self-centered, but with Christ I can do all things. God's love, the saving blood of Jesus, and the Holy Spirit living in me, make me whole, perfect and valuable to God, worthy of His love. God wants me. He wants my attention, my love, my whole self and not just a piece. I give this to Him through worship and prayer and what I choose to give my heart to each day.

I don't know much, but I know God loves me.

The Good Goodbye

Fear is not a good friend. I dream of doing so many things, and I can say it is lack of time that holds me back but, honestly, it is fear more than anything that keeps me from my dreams. I dream of writing three or four blog articles a week, but while I am busy and the travel we love keeps me in a perpetual game of catch up, I know that if I really wanted to – if I was really brave enough to write more of my heart - I would be writing three or four times a week.

The past three years have seen me let go of a lot of fear. God has healed me in ways I hadn’t seen coming. And while I still hold on to some fear, I live braver today than I have in all my life. I am so grateful. Grateful that while my son is a member of the U.S. Army, I don't lie awake at night afraid of what his future holds. Fear does not grip me and that is a flat out miracle. I am grateful that when it came time to let my daughter go away to college, I was not gripped by fear. Fear that she would be lonely or scared or someone would hurt her, and I wouldn’t be there to make it right (that's what mom's do, right!). I walked that road when my son went away to college, and it wasn't good. Most of the time my imagination is a bigger enemy to me than anything real. I sabotage my own peace of mind. I am grateful for the healing of my mind, especially a healing that results from a reining in of my overactive imagination.

This has been a year of living bravely. A year of learning and growing. A year of new friends from distant countries. A year of navigating social services on behalf of refugees. A year of meetings with social workers and aid workers and doctors and planning a funeral, assisting in a birth, and meeting with caseworkers and school counselors and midnight emergency room visits. A year of saying goodbye to my son again and to my daughter for the first time. All because in January I told God I would like to live bravely.

Today I’m looking for a home for my friend who has been approved for permanent housing through the City of Boise’s housing program for the poor. We’ve been looking since August without success. It’s not easy finding a landlord who will rent to the poor. This is frustrating and could be scary, but I know God has a home for my friend and her children. A good home. A home where they will know joy and security.

And I am not afraid.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of sound mind."
1 Timothy 1:7

Who Do You Think You Are?

On Fridays I (sometimes) link up with Lisa-Jo Baker for a writing flash mob. I write for five minutes on the topic Lisa-Jo has chosen. Today's writing prompt is truth.

Last weekend Rebecca and I attended our first ever Women of Faith conference in Tacoma, Washington. It was a crazy travel time for me. Ten planes in fourteen days. Two continents and a lot of jet lag. But none of that could keep me from a long planned weekend with my girl at a conference where all our favorites would be - Jen Hatmaker! Christine Caine! Kari Jobe! No way was I letting a little jet lag keep me away.

Here are a few beautiful truths we heard:

"Freedom is available to each one of us today if we choose to grab on to it.  Most Christians settle for deliverance and not freedom. Christians that are bound don't like Christians that are free. I am not going to live delivered when I can live free." Christine Caine

"Stop defending the gospel all the time like we are protectors of the kingdom of God. Like everyone out there is our enemy. Jesus told us he needs us to represent the kingdom. Not defend it. We serve a kingdom that cannot be shaken. Nobody can take from us what Jesus has won for us. We need to be people that make the gospel real for people." Jen Hatmaker

"We are the most resourced, educated advantaged women on earth. Can you imagine what we can do. We can be a people who say here we are. Send us." Jen Hatmaker

"If you believe there is anything you can do to make God love you more, you're saying the cross was not enough. You are redeemed. You are holy. You are righteous. He doesn't care about what you've done or even what you're going to do. All he cares about is you because you're his. There's no loop hole. There's no expiration on Christ.  Take a breath and remind yourself there's nothing you can do to mess this up." Mercy Me

"We should be identifying ourselves like John did in the Bible as the one Jesus loves. Hi, I'm _______, the one Jesus loves. The theme of my life should not be my love for God but his love for me." Judah Smith

This is truth, and I choose to walk in it.

Beautiful Cities and Books That Come Alive

Kevin and I just returned from a business trip to Norway and Sweden (and by "returned" I mean we have been traveling for 20 hours and are in Seattle waiting to board our final flight home). Once I finished my work each day, I was free to roam the city far and wide while Kevin remained tied up speaking the language of mobile technology.

I love the freedom of wandering a new city on my own. While I love, love, love traveling with my family, there is something especially delicious when every choice is my own. Want to walk to the other side of Oslo (even though there is a perfectly good tram) and see the sculpture garden? Done. Want to pop into every church along the way? Done. Want to sit in a cafe people watching for an hour? Done. But my favorite is the opportunity these solo days give me to read. I can sit in a new cafe every day, or twice a day for that matter, mixing all those things I love, cafés, people watching and reading. All in a gorgeous Scandinavian city in a cafe filled with super polite people who look an awful lot like me. Except that they're all taller than me but I've forgiven them that.

On this particular trip I was reading Walter Wangerin's novel, The Book of God. The author writes the Bible in a story format, and I was captivated. I loved that the book made the Old Testament clearer to me in terms of chronology, although reading Jeremiah's sad life was hard on my heart. The New Testament, in particular, was so real the people and events seemed to jump off the page and into my own life. I was completely drawn into the story and sometimes found myself crying. In a cafe. In Oslo. I finished the book in the middle of our trip and for days afterwards found myself missing Jesus. I felt so much a part of his every day life as I was reading, that I was lonely for him when the book ended. I've never experienced that before with a book. I'm pretty sure that, in spite of its 634 pages, this is one book I'll be reading again.

Together We Change the World

On Fridays I (sometimes) link up with Lisa-Jo Baker for a writing flash mob. I write for five minutes on the topic Lisa-Jo has chosen. Today's writing prompt is together. 

For an introvert I'm pretty fond of "together." For as much as I love a solitary run or my quiet time in the morning, I know we are better when we come together.

A week ago Kevin and I left Boise for twelve days of travel. I love to travel but as we have become more and more involved with our community, leaving has become hard. Saying goodbye to the ones we love and take care of is not easy.

In the midst of packing and preparing, I received phone calls, texts, and emails about the various needs of our friends: transportation needs, housing needs, medical needs, etc.  All of this tugs at me to stay, and yet together we can see to all of these needs even when one of us is far from home. A text or an email sent from another continent, a quick message to friends who walk with me in this community assures these needs are met whether I am in Boise or Oslo.

If you are thinking about jumping into the real and messy life in your community, jump all in. Don't think you must meet every need or have an answer to every problem. We do this together, and where I lack you fill the gap. Where you lack I fill the gap.

Together we love.

Together we meet needs.

Together we create beauty.

Together we heal.

Together we change the world.

"The best use of life is love. The best expression of love is time. The best time to love is now." Rick Warren

Five Minute Friday: More Ordinary Please

On Fridays I (sometimes) link up with Lisa-Jo Baker for a writing flash mob. I write for five minutes on the topic Lisa-Jo has chosen. Today's writing prompt is ordinary.

I’d like a little more ordinary in my life. Not in all the parts of my life. I like the wow factor as much as anybody, but I’d like to get a better handle on my spoken words. You know, those words blurted out, the ones you wish you could rewind. I look forward to days when it is ordinary for the words I speak to be consistently kind and meant to build up. You might think this isn’t an issue for me but check out the Bible verses I’ve chosen to memorize for 2013. I'm no analyst but there appears to be a pattern.

Psalm 19:14 “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to You, Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.”

Colossians 4:6 “Your speech should always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you should answer each person.”

Romans 14:13 “Therefore, let us no longer criticize one another. Instead, decide never to put a stumbling block or pitfall in your brother or sister's way.”

Colossians 3:15 “And let the peace of the Messiah, to which you were also called, in one body, control your hearts. Be thankful.”

That last verse says it all for me, “control your hearts.” As I walk each day with my Lord, I want my heart to be all in for him.

Let this be ordinary for me.

When It's Not About Me

Last week my daughter Rebecca introduced me to the author John Stott. How could I have missed his writings? Two of his books have now been added to the growing stack on the floor by my desk. I fear Rebecca's Theology major and my book addiction will not be kind to my wallet.

In his book The Incomparable Christ John Stott writes, "Only if we serve, will we experience freedom. Only if we lose ourselves in loving, will we find ourselves. Only if we die to our own self-centeredness, will we begin to live."

Did he write this just for me?! Over and over in my own life this has been proven. Only when I serve others, do I stop thinking about myself: Am I happy or sad, has someone offended me, was the sermon fulfilling enough, am I lonely, have my family and friends been attentive enough this week and on and on until I am a mess of self focus and just - yuk!

Kevin and I returned Monday from a weekend in Austin, Texas where we attended Idea Camp - Human Care. We heard ordinary people speak about living bravely in a scary world.

We think of lives lived in service for others as sacrifice, and yes it is difficult and different and sometimes scary. But I wonder if it isn't so much better than a life lived comfortably at home. I struggle each day to "die to self," praying it would be easier to look away from my selfish and prideful desires and instead, look only to loving others well. Why is this so hard? The only antidote I have found to selfishness and pride is helping others. When I am loving and caring for others, I forget myself. I forget my desire to get my own way, my desire to be the center of attention. I forget even my own self-focus. This is the only way I know to let go of me.

Brandon Hatmaker, author of The Barefoot Church (seriously, do not read his book unless you're ready to live a far less sedentary life!), was the first speaker at Idea Camp. He said part of our goal in being the hands and feet of Jesus must be sharing that experience with others. For me that means sharing the amazing feeling I get in helping and loving those in need. So here I am saying, if you want more joy in your life and less focus on your own messy self, help others. If you want to go to bed at night exhausted but content, serve others. Sometimes you'll go to bed confused and discouraged and wondering if you're helping or hurting, because this is real life and serving others is always messy, but it is always, always better.

See the need around you and grab onto it. It's right there in the person next to you at Starbucks, at the bus stop, on your morning run, in the house across the street, across the aisle at your church. Be a difference.

If you want more joy in your life, serve others.

If you want more peace in your life, serve others.

If you want more hope in your life, serve others.

Love Is a Daughter

Beloved

When your youngest child is leaving for college in a few short days, you will do almost anything she wants. Like a dinner of only ice cream or a last minute dash to Goldy's (Boise's best breakfast).

Two nights ago our sweet girl lay between her parents in bed laughing and hogging our space, lying sideways and pretending to be three years old again. I wanted to freeze those moments in my memory. I wonder does she realize how big my love for her is? The joy that is mine because I am her mom? Does she grasp that I delight in her mere existence?

In this last week before college life begins, Rebecca has received a lot of advice and wisdom from those who love her. I shared this with her:  Don't think you can only share the good parts of life with us. Share the hard stuff too. Share your mistakes. Share your fears. Your worries. True relationship only exists when we are real with each other. And for real - our lives are often messy.

I wonder how differently our lives would be if we lived each day believing God loves us in just this “filled with delight” way.  God loves me bigger and more beautifully than I could ever love my sweet girl. If I never, ever forgot this, what would my life look like? If in every moment of every mistake I get myself into, I believed He loves me just as I am, how much bigger, how much braver would my life be?

Truth is this: God delights in the mere fact that I am his daughter. I do nothing and He loves me still. Delights in me still. There is nothing more. There is nothing less. God demonstrated this to me in how he loved his son Jesus.

“And a voice from heaven said, "This is my dearly loved Son, who brings me great joy." Matthew 3:17

"When God called Jesus His beloved, Jesus did something truly remarkable: He believed Him. And He lived every moment of His life fully convinced of His identity." Jonathan Martin, Prototype

I am loved. You are loved. Simply because we are.

Wise Women