Monday, December 31, 2018

When it’s Not All Fun and Games – My Real Life Year

I sat with my daughter on Christmas Eve sharing some alone time. I asked her to name her highs and lows of 2018, and she was quick to respond. When it was my turn, I easily named the low point of 2018 but trying to identify a high point in 2018 had me turning silent. I couldn’t think of one. The hard parts of our lives sometimes outweigh the good times, and 2018 was like that for me.

I’ve seen friends posting their “Top Ten” fabulous things of 2018, and that’s great. Maybe I’ll share my own later. But if I’m being honest, I can list the hard experiences of 2018 far more easily than the good times.

In June my friend Lori died. Putting this at the top of my “lows” cannot describe how this played out in my heart and life. Hurt and sadness and loneliness and confusion were the boss of me for a long while. It’s six months later and while the hurt lessens, I’m still confused. Yesterday, I thought to myself, “I’ll call Lori and ask . . ." This happens all the time. Part of me wants to be done hurting, but a bigger part of me wants to never stop missing her. I can hear her laughter even now while writing. I can pause and bring it up in my mind. I’m so grateful. And I still hurt.

There were other hard experiences in 2018. Not all are listed here, because, you know, I want you to have a good day. . . 

On February 1, 2018, I dislocated my shoulder while running alone in the hills near our house. This clearly showed I’m not as tough as I thought. There was screaming and crying and lot’s of, “Why does this hurt so much?” to every person I encountered at the hospital. Finally, the ER nurse responded, “You’ve dislocated your shoulder, of course it hurts!” I’m just saying, avoid this injury. The pain is fierce and the recovery long, and physical therapists are not as nice as you think. . . 


this daughter from whom I learn so much
So here is what I came up with for my 2018 high points.

I watched my daughter live through a difficult and painful situation and push her way out to the other side stronger and wiser and kinder and braver. And I’m so incredibly proud of her. So grateful for her dependence on Jesus and her willingness to learn and make hard choices and look pain in the face. These are not easy things.

The loss of my Lori brought me closer to our shared group of friends, and I am wildly grateful for these women. To be loved by them is a gift indescribable.

Pain and loss and hard times can bring a marriage closer or push it apart.  I’m incredibly grateful for my husband’s extreme faithfulness and love. His desire to share my pain and do things that healed my soul - even taking up backpacking at age 53 - is a gift I want to live with forever.

Could we just be honest and share our ugly stuff and not just our pretty times. How many times have I looked at Facebook and come away sad or feeling left out or like I’m clearly doing life wrong? Life cannot be as perfect and pretty as we make it look on social media. Last week I stopped following a writer whose work I love, because her posts made me long for what I don’t have. You guys, if you follow people on social media who make you feel worse about yourself and your life, stop it! The world is hard enough.

I read one chapter from the book of Psalm in the Bible before I pray each morning. Today, December 31, 2018, I read Psalm Chapter 13 and it seemed written just for me:
Psalm Chapter 13

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over her,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love; 
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.


God has dealt bountifully with me, and I look forward to 2019 because of him.


Lori

No person has taught me more about
Jesus and his love than Lori


forever grateful for the love of these women




Instagram photo says, "Backpacking
looks like this - all smiles and fun"

actual real life photo says, "Climbing 2500 feet
up a mountain makes me want to throw up"

Instagram photo, "A dislocated shoulder is no problem"


actual photo, "My shoulder doesn't work anymore
and therapy hurts!"

my girls
grateful