Yesterday was not my favorite day. I woke cranky and disagreeable and warned my husband it could be a dangerous day for him. Yesterday I felt angry inside and mad at everyone and everything. This is super fun for my family. Except no.
It was a beautiful and weirdly warm day in Boise, so I stopped my complaining about the inability to cross country ski long enough to ride my bike to our favorite cafe for lunch with Kevin and Rebecca. They are brave. During lunch Rebecca commented, “You’re really disagreeable today.” Whatever! On the ride home, the wind had really picked up, which was great because I had one extra thing to be mad about. Riding into the wind is way down the list of my favorite things.
By late afternoon I was coming out of the fog of mean feelings and was grateful nothing catastrophic had occurred. No big fights. No horrible words I would later regret. But here’s what was missing in my day. I didn’t throw myself on the mercy of Jesus and ask for help escaping the stranglehold of anger filling me. Sometimes, when I’m in that hard place I think, “I should ask God for help and just throw all these awful feelings to Him.” But then pride jumps up and blocks my path, and I decide I’m not ready to let go of the mad. I really wish it weren't like this. I wish I could say I was a more mature person, a more mature follower of Jesus. Maybe following Jesus is just one long walk of baby steps, spent teetering along and grabbing onto His hand.
I want to get to a place where I fall on my face before my God who loves me in all my crankiness and mean thoughts. I want my first response to be falling face down, crying out in confession and humility, begging God to help me, to take the hardness from my heart and fill me with patience and forgiveness and faith that these mean and cranky feelings are temporary and not who I really am.
I am praying 1 Peter 4:8, “Above all, maintain an intense love for each other, since love covers a multitude of sin.” Today, I’m praying these words over myself. That I will love and forgive myself, knowing my Jesus loves me intensely and forgives me always. Even when pride won’t allow me to grab onto him, he loves me still. And today is a new day.