Walking Towards Easter, Day Five

Mark 14:66-72
While Peter was in the courtyard below, one of the high priest’s servants came. When she saw Peter warming himself, she looked at him and said, “You also were with that Nazarene, Jesus.”But he denied it: “I don’t know or understand what you’re talking about!” Then he went out to the entryway, and a rooster crowed. When the servant saw him again she began to tell those standing nearby, “This man is one of them!” But again he denied it. After a little while those standing there said to Peter again, “You certainly are one of them, since you’re also a Galilean!” Then he started to curse and to swear with an oath, “I don’t know this man you’re talking about!” Immediately a rooster crowed a second time, and Peter remembered when Jesus had spoken the word to him, “Before the rooster crows twice, you will deny Me three times.” When he thought about it, he began to weep. 

It was a cold night, cold enough for a fire. I can hear the wood popping and crackling and men and women rubbing their hands together. I see Peter staring morosely into the flames, his thoughts jumbled and terror filling his heart. His anguished thoughts are arrested by the accusations of a servant woman, and Peter instinctively protects himself with quick denials. Once started down the path of denial, he entrenches by spewing curses and oaths.

But oh the sound of the rooster. Peter freezes. He remembers Jesus' words. He remembers Jesus. He remembers Jesus' love and the tears come. Peter's sorrow is gripping, and I wonder what the accusatory servant thought as she witnessed this man weeping. Did she feel pity or did she continue with her mocking?

This night began in gentleness in a quiet room. Dinner shared among the closest of friends. A night ending in terror and abuse. Confusion. Doubt. Nothing is certain. Peter has betrayed the one he loves most and his world has come apart.

Wisdom From My Mother

My mom taught me many things about life. She showed me how to love my children well. She taught me to knit and she instilled in me a good work ethic. But one of the most important things my mom taught me is how to rest when hiking or running without looking tired.

Here is what I mean. Say you are hiking up a steep hill or running and need a breather. Instead of coming to a gasping stop and very obviously showing the world your weakness, lean up against a tree, bend over a pretty plant or flower, or if desperate a rock will even do, and say something like, "Oh, isn't nature just beautiful. Look at the lovely texture and color of this fir tree [insert name of any tree you can think of in your exhaustion]. Didn't God create a wonderful world for us!" Your companions, rather than thinking you're an out of shape weakling, will think instead you are a wonderful observer of nature, that you are truly connected with the world around you.

Boise friends can try this the next time you feel like you're about to pass out climbing Table Rock.

In a pinch, you could even use the excuse of stopping [constantly] to take photographs with your ever present iPhone. If there is nothing interesting near your feet, look up. It's just a thought. . . 

For more serious reading Walking Towards Easter, Day Four

Walking Towards Easter, Day Four

Mark 14:53-65
They led Jesus away to the high priest, and all the chief priests, the elders, and the scribes convened. Peter followed Him at a distance, right into the high priest’s courtyard. He was sitting with the temple police, warming himself by the fire.

Peter's desire is to be near Jesus. He wants to be loyal, but he is afraid. He ran away in the garden but not entirely. He is trying to blend in and not be noticed, not have to admit he knows Jesus and maybe suffer the consequences. I feel for Peter, because how often have I wanted to blend in and let my Christianity go unnoticed. When yet another professed Christian does or says something cruel - something far outside of love - it is right about then I want to hide.

Maybe Peter was still not quite sure who Jesus was. He had professed earlier his belief that Jesus was the Messiah, but Peter is still wobbly about what that looks like. He isn't clear yet what Jesus' true purpose is. 

Sometimes I get wobbly in my faith when I start to see God as we humans say He is and not as God Himself says He is. I try to make Him into what I want Him to be, rather than who He has shown me He truly is.

The chief priests and the whole Sanhedrin were looking for testimony against Jesus to put Him to death, but they could find none. For many were giving false testimony against Him, but the testimonies did not agree. Some stood up and were giving false testimony against Him, stating, “We heard Him say, ‘I will demolish this sanctuary made by human hands, and in three days I will build another not made by hands.’” Yet their testimony did not agree even on this.

We are really good at lying, especially to ourselves. We see it here in the testimony of the witnesses. They don't like what Jesus has been saying and doing. All those miracles from this unsophisticated, small town guy is really getting to them. All that talk about love and mercy and the least will be greatest is not what they want in a Messiah. They want power. 

So they take things into their own hands. They re-write the story, making it say what they want. They are proud and afraid and that is a scary mix. They are unwilling to see God outside of who they have made Him be. They refuse to see Him as He really is - humble, meek, honest, loving.

Then the high priest stood up before them all and questioned Jesus, “Don’t You have an answer to what these men are testifying against You?” But He kept silent and did not answer anything. Again the high priest questioned Him, “Are You the Messiah, the Son of the Blessed One?”

“I am,” said Jesus, “and all of you will see the Son of Man seated at the right hand of the Power and coming with the clouds of heaven.”

Then the high priest tore his robes and said, “Why do we still need witnesses? You have heard the blasphemy! What is your decision?”

And they all condemned Him to be deserving of death. Then some began to spit on Him, to blindfold Him, and to beat Him, saying, “Prophesy!” The temple police also took Him and slapped Him.

Painful words to read. Every time.

Walking Towards Easter, Day Three

Mark 14:43-52
While He was still speaking, Judas, one of the Twelve, suddenly arrived. With him was a mob, with swords and clubs, from the chief priests, the scribes, and the elders. His betrayer had given them a signal. “The One I kiss,” he said, “He’s the One; arrest Him and take Him away under guard.” So when he came, he went right up to Him and said, “Rabbi!”—and kissed Him. Then they took hold of Him and arrested Him. And one of those who stood by drew his sword, struck the high priest’s slave, and cut off his ear.

My first thought is that the boldness of Judas' betrayal is frightening. It was so blatant, so obvious. What was he thinking? What must the other disciples have thought as this was happening? Well, I suppose we know what the disciple who drew his sword was thinking. He was taking control of  bad situation. He was "helping" Jesus out. Wow! How often have I done Jesus the favor of "helping him out" by taking control of a situation? By not waiting to hear what He wants and rushing boldly in to control. This is a hard thing to consider, that in my need to control, I also betray Jesus. Please, Jesus help me let go of the need to control. Help me let go of the fear lurking behind this need.

But Jesus said to them, “Have you come out with swords and clubs, as though I were a criminal, to capture Me? Every day I was among you, teaching in the temple complex, and you didn’t arrest Me. But the Scriptures must be fulfilled.” Then they all deserted Him and ran away.

Now a certain young man, having a linen cloth wrapped around his naked body, was following Him. They caught hold of him, but he left the linen cloth behind and ran away naked.

I so desperately do not want to be one who deserts You, Jesus. Please show me where in my life I am walking away from You!

Walking Towards Easter, Day Two

Mark 14:32-42 Then they came to a place named Gethsemane, and He told His disciples, “Sit here while I pray.” He took Peter, James, and John with Him, and He began to be deeply distressed and horrified. Then He said to them, “My soul is swallowed up in sorrow —to the point of death. Remain here and stay awake.” Then He went a little farther, fell to the ground, and began to pray that if it were possible, the hour might pass from Him. And He said, “Abba, Father! All things are possible for You. Take this cup away from Me. Nevertheless, not what I will, but what You will.”

The pain Jesus experiences here is so difficult to read. He was "horrified" at what he was about to go through. But while this is so hard to read and put in my brain, it gives me some comfort to know Jesus also was horrified. I am not being overly sensitive in finding all that is about to occur horrifying. It was horrifying. Yet even in his great distress he is teaching me. And He said, “Abba, Father! All things are possible for You. Take this cup away from Me. Nevertheless, not what I will, but what You will.” Jesus shows me the perfect way to pray. Ask for everything - big, big things - and then find peace in putting God's will before my own. This is easily written, but not easily lived. To get to "not what I will, but what you will" requires enormous trust, and it takes knowing who my God is, knowing His character and resting in this knowing, resting in His love for me. I only get even somewhat close to this by walking always with Him.

Then He came and found them sleeping. “Simon, are you sleeping?” He asked Peter. “Couldn’t you stay awake one hour? Stay awake and pray so that you won’t enter into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

Pray Jesus says. I cannot stay out of trouble on my own. I need God's help to get me anywhere close to a life of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. But, oh, when I live closer to this, life is so very good.

Once again He went away and prayed, saying the same thing. And He came again and found them sleeping, because they could not keep their eyes open. They did not know what to say to Him. Then He came a third time and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Enough! The time has come. Look, the Son of Man is being betrayed into the hands of sinners. Get up; let’s go! See—My betrayer is near.”

There is such sadness and disappointment here as Jesus' friends let Him down and cannot put their own needs aside for His. The aloneness of Jesus is what so many feel today. I must always be relying on the One who never let's me down. Once I start depending on myself or my family and friends to meet my soul needs, I will be let down.

Walking Towards Easter, Day One

I take part each morning in an online Bible study with IF:Equip. Yesterday, IF:Equip began a study of the days of Jesus leading up to Easter. The study works like this. IF:Equip tweets or posts to Facebook the Bible verses to read each morning. I read them and journal about them. I can also comment on their blog post for that day my thoughts on the day's texts. There is also a short two or three minute video each day of two women discussing the texts. Maybe this sounds complicated but it's not. I'm just good at complicating things. Apparently.

My IF:Equip posts will look different than my normal posts, as they are taken straight out of my journal. 

I hope you hear Jesus in these posts.

Mark 14:17-25

When evening came, Jesus arrived with the Twelve. While they were reclining at the table eating, he said, “Truly I tell you, one of you will betray me—one who is eating with me.” They were saddened, and one by one they said to him, “Surely you don’t mean me?” “It is one of the Twelve,” he replied, “one who dips bread into the bowl with me. The Son of Man will go just as it is written about him. But woe to that man who betrays the Son of Man! It would be better for him if he had not been born.” While they were eating, Jesus took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to his disciples, saying, “Take it; this is my body.” Then he took a cup, and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them, and they all drank from it. “This is my blood of the[a] covenant, which is poured out for many,” he said to them. “Truly I tell you, I will not drink again from the fruit of the vine until that day when I drink it new in the kingdom of God.” When they had sung a hymn, they went out to the Mount of Olives.

What Jesus did for me, for all of humanity, for all of this world, is so big it is hard to grasp. The sacrifice he gave, the final days, I long for it all to be better understood by me and tangibly and incredibly personal. Sometimes, I am frustrated by my inability to fully take it in. But right now I give my frustration to Jesus. The Holy Spirit will help me and give me better understanding and make it more and more tangible to me. I am grateful.

“You will all fall away,” Jesus told them, “for it is written: ‘I will strike the shepherd, and the sheep will be scattered.’ But after I have risen, I will go ahead of you into Galilee.” 

Jesus tried to make it so plain to his disciples: “After I have risen, I will go ahead of you to Galilee.” That is pretty specific. He even gave them a meeting place. How could they miss it? How could they doubt? And yet, I do the same all the time. Jesus is pretty clear in his words how he wants me to live: love God and love others.” It’s not complicated and yet I miss what he's telling me. I try and make it so hard. Please Jesus, help me live out your simple message to love you and love others. Help me live it well.

Peter declared, “Even if all fall away, I will not.” “Truly I tell you,” Jesus answered, “today—yes, tonight—before the rooster crows twice you yourself will disown me three times.” But Peter insisted emphatically, “Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you.” And all the others said the same.

Oh the horror of denying Jesus. And yet how often do I deny him with my own choices to be first? Please forgive my selfishness. Please help me forever choose you, Jesus!

I feel so sad for Peter and his over confidence, because he has placed his confidence in himself. He hasn’t learned yet to place his confidence in Jesus. Jesus, please help me walk humbly with you. Not believing I can do it all on my own, can even hope to stand strong on my own. Please take the pride of self-sufficiency from me and teach me to place my confidence in you. I am grateful for your gentle forgiveness when I forget this. I am grateful you love me still – always – even knowing ahead of time I will stumble.

Today's Question: Why is it important to you that Jesus can see you fully?

That Jesus sees the real me and still loves me, always loves me, never leaves me, this just gives me so much peace. His love for me will never end. His love doesn’t depend on me. His love is bigger than my mistakes. And when I walk outside of the path he has for me. He will always pursue me. Always open his arms for me. He is so good to me!

Walking Away From Fear

We are a strange people and that is the truth. We say variety is the spice of life, but we don’t often like people who are different than us. They make us uncomfortable. They make us squirm. They make us wonder if we’re doing something wrong. And so we judge. We say your way is wrong. Your way is stupid. Your way is going to hurt me. Your way is going to ruin this country. Maybe this comes out in glaring judgment, “You are wrong and what you are doing is bad.” Or maybe it comes out as criticism, “Why would he get that tattoo? That is not going to look good in forty years!” Or “Why does she let her kids run wild like that? She must be a bad parent.” Maybe this originates in the fear we let make a home inside us, or maybe this stems from jealousy. Still, it’s all judgment and it’s really, really sad. 

We have become a people who think because I disagree with you, I must hate you. This is horrible. Perhaps you and I disagree about politics, about our view of God, about which movies are the best, which music is best, about skinny jeans or wearing stocking hats all summer. But does that mean we must hate each other? Why? Why can’t your views of politics enrich mine and push me to dig deeper into why I carry my set of beliefs. Why can’t your different views of God push me get to know my God better. Why can’t I disagree with your view of gay marriage and yet still love you? Why can’t I disagree with your view of caring for the planet and yet still love you? Who made these rules that say I must hate you because. . . 

Hate is birthed out of fear and why have we chosen to live with fear as our favorite child, when Christ has told us there is no fear in love? From a purely selfish way of looking at it, wouldn’t we be happier, if we weren’t always afraid?

What if we choose to love instead? When we hear a news story that scares us, what if we decide to love instead? When neighbors move in next door who are different than us, what if we love them? What if we really believe God is who He is and does what He says He will do? “I keep the Lord in mind always. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken” (Psalm 16:8). If we believe in God, why aren’t we living these words?

What if we all tried to out love each other? I want to live in that world, in a world where we set aside our pride, our fear, our need to be right and get our own way, and just love each other first.

If we choose to live in fear, afraid of the world around us, afraid of the differences between us, then we don’t believe God. We’re calling him a liar and walking away from his truth.

“There is no fear in love; perfect love drives out all fear. So then, love has not been made perfect in anyone who is afraid, because fear has to do with punishment.” 1 John 4:18

I am deeply loved by God. You are deeply loved by God. God’s love is bigger then our differences.

Who you are I do not know, and yet perhaps I know something. I know that like me you wake up each morning to a day that you must somehow live, to a self that you must somehow be, and to a mystery that you cannot fathom if only the mystery of your own life. Thus, strangers though we are, at a certain level there is nothing about either of us that can be entirely irrelevant to each other. Frederick Buechner, The Alphabet of Grace

The Day I Was Mean

Yesterday was not my favorite day. I woke cranky and disagreeable and warned my husband it could be a dangerous day for him. Yesterday I felt angry inside and mad at everyone and everything. This is super fun for my family. Except no.

It was a beautiful and weirdly warm day in Boise, so I stopped my complaining about the inability to cross country ski long enough to ride my bike to our favorite cafe for lunch with Kevin and Rebecca. They are brave. During lunch Rebecca commented, “You’re really disagreeable today.” Whatever! On the ride home, the wind had really picked up, which was great because I had one extra thing to be mad about. Riding into the wind is way down the list of my favorite things.

By late afternoon I was coming out of the fog of mean feelings and was grateful nothing catastrophic had occurred. No big fights. No horrible words I would later regret. But here’s what was missing in my day. I didn’t throw myself on the mercy of Jesus and ask for help escaping the stranglehold of anger filling me. Sometimes, when I’m in that hard place I think, “I should ask God for help and just throw all these awful feelings to Him.” But then pride jumps up and blocks my path, and I decide I’m not ready to let go of the mad. I really wish it weren't like this. I wish I could say I was a more mature person, a more mature follower of Jesus. Maybe following Jesus is just one long walk of baby steps, spent teetering along and grabbing onto His hand.

I want to get to a place where I fall on my face before my God who loves me in all my crankiness and mean thoughts. I want my first response to be falling face down, crying out in confession and humility, begging God to help me, to take the hardness from my heart and fill me with patience and forgiveness and faith that these mean and cranky feelings are temporary and not who I really am.

I am praying 1 Peter 4:8, “Above all, maintain an intense love for each other, since love covers a multitude of sin.” Today, I’m praying these words over myself. That I will love and forgive myself, knowing my Jesus loves me intensely and forgives me always. Even when pride won’t allow me to grab onto him, he loves me still. And today is a new day.

Of Laughter and Life - My Auntie Evelyn

My Auntie Evelyn died last week. On Sunday we remembered her in a memorial service. Auntie Evelyn was my mom's older sister by 14 years and the oldest of six siblings. 

Mom and Auntie Evelyn were close in love, even though they weren't close in age. Until I was eleven years old I lived with my parents and older sister in Madras, a tiny dot of a town in central Oregon. Auntie Evelyn lived in Portland. In the big city in a house in a neighborhood lined with even more houses. She worked in a hospital. My sister and I thought she was fancy. And rich.

Auntie Evelyn with my
son Caleb in 1991

My dad was a truck driver and gone for weeks at a time so it was just my mom and sister and me. But many weekends Auntie Evelyn would make the two hour drive over Mount Hood to visit. 

To say those were good days is a small use of the word "good". Mom and Evelyn shared a special sister-friendship. They laughed a lot! It is from them I came by the embarrassing trait of laughing when someone hurts themselves. I don't especially appreciate this gift, but if you were to trip and scrape your knee while hiking with me, it is likely you would hear a bit of nervous laughter. 

Fortunately, I learned other useful things. Like never make more than one trip into the house with your groceries. Simply load all of the bags into your arms at once and hobble your way up the steps to the kitchen, because why waste time when there are other things to be done. 

But mostly I learned about laughter. I remember long summer days spent floating on air mattresses in the lake with mom and Auntie Evelyn. There were always snacks. They would take a bunch of grapes in a plastic bag and float them in the lake to keep them cool. And there was always, always chocolate. Somewhere. Hidden in a purse or under the seat in the car or tucked away in the back of the refrigerator. Chocolate was an absolute.

We were always doing something silly and crazy with Auntie Evelyn. I remember how amazed I was at her water skiing skills. I mean she could ski on ONE ski and take off from the dock and glide all the way back into shore without ever getting wet. This was a fantastical feat to my young eyes. 

Living in rural Madras we were horse people but, of course, because she was from THE CITY, Auntie Evelyn was decidedly not horse people. She would ride my little Shetland pony and was never able to stop when she wanted. She would yell, “STOP! STOP!” repeatedly and to no avail but to the roaring laughter of my sister and me. I'm sure we were her favorite nieces. . .  

There was so much laughter and when the weekend came to a close my sister and I would hide her keys so she couldn't leave us. She was that kind of auntie. I hope she knew it. 

As I grew older I came to see that my fun and funny Auntie Evelyn wasn't perfect and life didn't always treat her kindly. As a younger person I didn't understand why she sometimes left the house quickly for a good brisk walk. Tears in her eyes and sob in her throat. But now I do. Now I know because I've taken that quick brisk walk myself on occasion when life is painful and a solitary walk is sometimes the best place to let the hurt spill out. 

I hadn't seen Auntie Evelyn much recently. In 1999 my little family moved to Boise, and I saw her only on our visits to Washington. I'm grateful to have seen her one last time in July and get from her a good hard hug. 

Her memorial service showed me the purpose of such events, because today my memories of her are brighter and stronger than they were yesterday.

I'm so grateful she was my Auntie Evelyn. Perhaps more than any other person, she showed me that laughter can always triumph tears. 

I will hear her laugh again someday and my heart is glad. 

When Life is Hard

Last week was hard. One of my hardest. My sweet Auntie Evelyn died after being hit by an SUV while crossing a grocery store parking lot. She lingered three painful months. My dad was admitted to the hospital with complications from a six way heart bypass he had this summer. And I experienced a hard battle with the depression that continues to nip at my heels. Still, I continue to be amazed at the joy waiting for us in the midst of sorrow and tragedy.  I wonder if the scary times in life are there to open wide the door to love.

Saturday night I was able to attend the Mountain West Conference Championship football game with my husband and children, and we wildly cheered our Broncos on to victory. We happily rushed the field with other fans from this crazy Bronco Nation. Earlier in the week a sweet friend who is fighting her own hard battle, dropped off a bag full of goodies for me of lotions, food and tea, which she followed up with a loving email.

There is a sweetness in the painful times of life. That circling of the wagons by those who love us and hurt along with us. When life is humming along happily and the bumps are small and easily maneuvered, I don’t need to be taken care of so much. I can do more of it on my own. But when the bumps become mountains and the road barely navigable, I need the people who love me to drag me out of the pit, pull me over the mountain, and be my road map. No matter how many times I forget I can’t do it all, I keep falling back into that mindset. It's the hard times that keep bringing me back into community. Back into the fold of love my family and friends always have for me.

I’m grateful God has put in my life men and women and even little boys and girls, who love me so well and remind me I am not alone. Because life was not made to be lived in insolation but together and messily.

I wonder which of our friends and family are hurting and needing extra love and attention. I hope I learn to pay better attention. To check in regularly and care enough to put a little more of myself into ensuring they know they are loved and valuable and hold a big space in my heart.